Toddler Temper Tantrums

I have been told that temper tantrums are a normal part of having a toddler.  I choose to not except that.  Temper tantrums may be something every child goes through but Zoe and I are learning together how to conquer this monster.  There have been days that the tantrums have gotten the best of one or both of us but we are not giving up.  We don't want temper tantrums to have a place in our home.

There are no magic answers but here are a few thoughts on toddler temper tantrums.

1. A temper tantrum is a toddler's way of expressing the frustration of that moment. 
It may be frustration at not getting their way, at not getting the toy they want, of not having control of the situation they are in.  It could be their frustration at not having the ability to communicate what they want, what they are feeling, or what they need.  It's hard to be little.

2. Temper tantrums are not 100% avoidable but there are ways to prevent them.
*When your toddler is hungry, thirsty, or tired they have a lower threshold for what they can handle and temper tantrums are much more likely to occur. 
*Plan ahead!  If you are going shopping go when they are fresh.  If you are going to be waiting in line take a snack or toy with you.  Don't linger next to something that you have already told them no about.
*Let your toddler feel some control by making appropriate choices.  When it's time to get dressed let her choose the pink dress or the yellow one.  At lunch time, grilled cheese or crackers with peanut butter.  Then praise her for the choice she made.
*Talk to your toddler.  Although they may not understand everything you are saying they might surprise you by what they do pick up.  Tell them what needs to be accomplished before you can leave for the playground.  For example, we are going to go potty, get dressed, brush hair, and pack a snack. 
Also give them a warning when you are going to be transitioning to a new activity, ex. you have 5 more minutes to color then it's time for lunch.

3. Decide ahead of time how you are going to handle the tantrum.
Many people will tell you the best method for dealing with a tantrum is to ignore it.  Well, this doesn't work for me.  Ignoring the poor behavior doesn't help Zoe to feel validated and it doesn't help me to feel like the best mom I can be for my daughter.  Here are some of the ways we handle different tantrums.
*Encourage your toddler to use their words.  Although your toddler may not voice a complete thought chances are good she can get her point across. For Zoe, "no no door" is likely to mean that she didn't want Mommy to close the door she wanted to do it herself.  Once she has had her say then I am able to reply, "I know you wanted to close the door but Mommy did it this time. Thank you for telling Mommy.  I am very proud of you when you use your words."  When she is able to have her frustration repeated back to her it validates what she is feeling and lets her know that though I may not agree with her I am aware of her desires. 
*Create a diversion.  This is not my favorite way of dealing with tantrums but it can be very effective.  For example, while grocery shopping Zoe spies the gummy snacks that although she has never had before she just has to have now and a full blown meltdown is about to take place laying in the middle of the isle.  I may ask her "What sound does a kitty cat make?"  Since kitties are currently her favorite thing in the world (Thanks Auntie Anne) I am likely to hear "meow" for the next two isles but by then I'll have her busy helping me find some crackers or whatever else is on the list.  This is also the same situation in which after Zoe has spied the gummy snacks and is about to become a hot mess I will reach in her bag and pull out a toy or other previously stocked snack to distract her with.  These are the times a toddler's short attention span comes in handy.
*Physical contact-my hand on your hand.   This is used when the tantrum is about doing something that the toddler doesn't want to do.  If you tell your toddler to put on her coat only to be met with a tantrum, ignoring your child will give her exactly what she wants.  Not to put on the coat.  Time-out in this situation would do the same thing, it would prolong the little one putting on the coat.  Try this instead, tell you toddler I'm going to put my hands on your hands and we're going to do this together. Then you can gently force the coat on.  Picking up toys might go much the same way.  When the child begins to throw a fit at having to pick up you can tell your toddler I'm going to place my hands on your hands and we're going to do this together.  By the time the toys are picked up the tantrum is often forgotten.
*Hugs. Giving the temper tantrum toddler a hug is both one of my favorite and one of my least favorite things to do.  You may think this is the last thing you want.  Your screaming child right next to your ear but it can be very effective.  I'm talking about a big firm hug, not a super cuddly one.  Hugs can make children feel secure and sometimes they just need a safe place where they can get their emotions out.  Holding a fighting toddler is not easy, but once Zoe has cried for a minute she is ready to snuggle, talk, laugh and move on.


4. A few key things to remember. 
*Speak calmly
*Keep your own temper in check. You're not going to get anywhere with your toddler if both of you are screaming at each other. Take a deep breath, gain control over your emotions, and then talk to your toddler.  Firmly let her know that tantrums are not acceptable behavior.
*If you give in to the tantrum by giving your toddler what they want or letting them get out of doing what they don't want to do the tantrums are going to continue.
*Remember, your ability to stay calm and in control will help your toddler feel secure.
*If you lose your cool or give in to your little one's demands, you'll only teach your toddler that tantrums are effective.
*It's okay to ask for help.  Talk to your friends, your parents, and your pediatrician.  They might have a suggestion that can really make a difference.

In closing, do Jake and I think that our house will be temper tantrum free? Not likely.  We do however know that as we learn to work through these temper tantrums we are showing Zoe that she is important to us.  She is a very special part of our family and our home is a place she can feel safe.  A place she can express the things she is feeling, but most of all a place that she is loved.