Deployment Life~Saying good-bye

The alarm clock rang and before I could even roll over I had to wipe away the tears already filling my eyes. I lay in bed for just one more minute wishing the day hadn't come. But it had. Jake was already out of bed his heart just as heavy as mine. I walked to the bathroom and wrapped my arms around him and now the tears pour down my face. There are no words to say, they have already been said. There is nothing that can make this moment any easier.
It is still dark outside as I wake my sweet little girl. She asks me if this is the day that Daddy has to leave. Of course she knows the answer but hearing the words out loud have a way of penetrating right through. She clings to me as we make our way through the house. Daddy scoops her from my arms and snuggles her ever so close. She reaches up and brushes his cheek with her tiny hand. He swallows the lump in his throat.
The morning wore on as we said our goodbyes. The sun never quiet came up rather just turned the deep black clouds to a dreary gray. Zoe told me as we drove home that morning that the sky was sad that Daddy was leaving and I couldn't have agreed more.
The days have now turned to weeks and time continues to pass. Our lives fall into a new type of routine and we find our footing once again. Our lives are far from normal with a part of our heart half a world away but we know that the love we share will somehow forge the gap.

We have prayed this prayer far too many times before but now we will say it yet again.

Protect us Lord as we're apart, 
Be our strength and our shield.
Teach us to grow as we press on. 
Strengthen our love, increase our heart.

And then there were....more.

Four months ago Jake and I began a journey that we completed today yet in many ways we haven't even begun. We sat in an orientation class and it was overwhelming hearing about the thousands of children here in San Diego county that need homes and the hundreds of them that are under the age of 5. It was eye opening to hear about the babies that go straight from the hospital to group homes where they are just another burden. As the statistics were thrown out and the numbers swirled around in my head the only number I could hear is one. One less. Next year there will be one less child that needs a home, one less child that is just a burden, one less baby needing just to be loved.
Jake and I made the decision to become foster parents.
Through some very special friends of ours (We love you Jordan & Chiara) we were introduced to the Angels Organization. From day one Angels has changed our opinion of foster care and really taught us that we can make a difference. They have taken the entire process and made it manageable and have been a great support every step of the way. I was nervous to start the process. There were hours of training, doctor visits, CPR certification, first aid skill assessments, and lots and lots of paper work, but today after the home inspection I knew that this is the right fit for us.
We have no idea what this journey will entail but we are beyond excited to have a baby in our home again.  Z has been begging to be a big sister for more than 2 years and she can't wait to practice some of her "big sister" skills. Chances are good that I will be less excited come July after our first placement when I'm sleep deprived and covered in baby puke but I'll know in my heart how precious life is and I'll thank God for whatever baby comes into our home and I'll love that little baby with all my heart.

Z made the artwork and I made the blanket for Baby's room.

Yr my hape Valntin!

You're my happy Valentine!

Zoe and I have been counting down days for a month. Often when Jake leaves we make little countdowns or chains to keep track of how long until he comes home. It helps Z to keep things in perspective and gives her something to look forward to or at least an end point to focus on. This time I didn't make anything right away because we are also working on getting everything packed in order to move to our new house when Daddy does come home. After about the first week of Zoe's constant "how much longer" I knew we needed to get a countdown going. So, we made a little calendar with all the important days marked out. There is a star at the end on the day Jake comes home, a couple smaller stars along the way to mark out play dates and other events we have going on, and a heart for Valentine's Day. 

Because of this, Zoe has asked me several times to tell her about Valentine's Day. We have talked about everything from St. Valentine to hearts and flowers and ways to show the people in our lives that we love them. One day we decided to make a trip to Michael's.  Zoe picked out a little box for her Daddy and lots of sequins and stickers to decorate it with. Since then she has told me 3 or 4 times that she is working on a surprise for daddy to go in his box. It makes me smile to see her create little things for him and there have been days this month that I have definitely needed a smile. 

This morning though, she absolutely made my day. When I went and got her from her room she gave me a great big hug and said Happy Valentine's Day. We ate girl scout cookies for breakfast and then she told me she had a surprise for me. It was a paper with the words, Mommy I love you. You're my happy Valentine. Zoe. Of course the words weren't all spelled correctly but she had made it all by herself just for me. 

I have felt several times this month that I have had to be such a mean mommy. Z has been super emotional and there have been meltdowns almost every day. I spend so much time trying to be consistent it's exhausting. In all this though my sweet little girl still shines through. She makes me want to be the best mom that I possibly can be. I love you Zoe, you're my happy Valentine too!

Breathe In and Breathe Out

My precious little girl is 4 years old and tonight I rocked her to sleep. As I sat there I kept thinking about how my thoughts mirrored ever so closely to those I had the evening I wrote my very first blog post. I didn't know 3 years ago that our life would be the same in so many ways yet so vastly different in others.

As I was tucking Zoe in I asked her if she wanted to rock for a little while. I knew the answer would be yes. She has long passed the days of needing to be rocked to sleep and she hadn't had a rough day or anything like that. The truth is I wanted it as much as she did. 

I wanted her to know that she is loved. She is more important to me than the kitchen that needs to be cleaned or the rest of the house that still needs to be put to right before I can call it a night. She is more important than catching up on emails in my inbox or the book on my nightstand that I have read the same 3 pages of several times now because I keep falling asleep. I wanted just for a moment to rock back and forth and breathe in and breathe out.

It can be overwhelming to look at this new year and all the ups and downs that I know it will hold. I can choose though to take the moments that are right in front of me and make the most of them. I can choose what I allow to be my priorities and what I allow to consume my time. My prayer tonight is that I will make wise choices. That I will choose love and not selfishness, and that I will slow down and use every opportunity that God brings my way.