The Baby I Didn't Know I Wanted

The new year rolled in and with it came all the usual chaos.  Jake was preparing for a busy month at work, Zoe and I were juggling play dates, story time, gymnastics, and of course all the everyday chores that need doing.  We took a road trip to visit some family, and had a water leak in the bathroom that required some serious attention from the plumber. Then, of course there were plans for Valentine's Day and a visit from Granny and Poppy. 
It was in the mist of all this that I began not feeling well.  I was worn out and constantly queasy.  Like most moms, I was powering through it because there just isn't time to be sick.  Then I realized what was going on.  I knew I was pregnant!  I didn't say anything to Jake just yet.  I needed to see the little plus sign appear on the pregnancy test before I could really believe it myself. 
The next day I loaded up Z Bug and we made a trip to the store.  I knew the directions say wait until morning to take the test but I wasn't really feeling the wait.  Sure enough, bright pink plus sign. Wow!  I struggled with shock and feeling very overwhelmed all day long.  That evening as I told Jake about the little life growing inside me we were both speechless.  This wasn't something that we had planned or expected but just knowing the miracle that life is there is excitement and joy that goes with it.  I was on an emotional roller coaster for most of the week following.  I hadn't planned for Zoe to have a little sister but now that a new baby was on the way my heart was full of love for this precious life. 

Then our baby died.

I cried.

For a couple days my mind spun out of control.  Why had God given us this miracle baby only to take her from us?  Did I do something to cause this?  Is this some sort of message from God to get my attention?  Is there something wrong with me?

This wasn't our first miscarriage. It is number three. 

Again, as my doctor began running test to determine what exactly was going on, my mind began to spin.  Will Jake and I ever be able to have another baby? How many times do I have to say goodbye to the little life inside me?  Why is this happening?

Then I felt peace.

I knew in my head I didn't want to live out the "what ifs." I choose not to let the unanswered questions determine the course of my days, my weeks, my life.  I choose to move forward and to grow stronger. I choose to trust.  I choose to love.  I choose to love my husband. I choose to love my sweet Zoe.  I choose to love my babies that I have never held in my arms but will forever hold in my heart.