Good Moms Say No

Zoe and I started off our shopping trip with the shoe store.  Z needed some new sandals for summer and I wanted some as well.  We each picked out a pair and headed on our way.  Before we even got to the car Zoe was asking to put hers on.  I was a little hesitant to let her because they were the flip flop type with the little thing between the toes.  Last summer I couldn't get her to wear that type at all and I knew that her tender little feet would be sore from walking in them until she got used to them.  I had several things I wanted to get done in the next few hours and a whiny toddler was not going to help anything.  I gave it some thought and let her put on the new shoes.

Now you're asking yourself why I titled this "Good Moms Say No" and then told you a story about saying yes to my 2yr old.  Here's the rest of the story. 

Zoe and I spent the next 2 hours walking around different stores getting in and out of the car and having a great time.  Our next stop was the library. I decided to spend a little more time here than I originally planned so Zoe and I gathered a stack of books, snuggled into one of the couches, kicked off our shoes, and started reading.  Forty minutes later we emerged with new books to take home and feet that were ready to go again.  We pressed on for another hour and accomplished everything on the list. As we walked out to the car Zoe asked if we could go to one more store.  I was more than a little surprised because by this point I could tell that her flip flops were starting to bother her.  Out of curiosity I asked what store she wanted to go to and she said, "bookstore" (Barnes & Noble).  It was in the same parking lot as the last place we were so we loaded our purchases into the car, I picked up my child, and we headed into the bookstore.  Zoe asked to walk almost as soon as I picked her up.  I kissed her little head and said, "No Sweetheart." Zoe picked out a new Curious George book and it was finally time to head home.

Is telling my child "no" when she wants to walk by herself a big deal?  It depends on the day.  There were lots of reasons for me telling her no. The two biggest ones being, I knew her feet were starting to hurt and it would be A LOT faster for me to carry her.  Knowing when to tell your children no about something can be a bit tricky at times.  There are no hard and fast rules but here are a few of my thoughts on it.

#1. Are you telling your child "No" for them or for you?
This is a question I ask myself often.  It helps me to keep things in perspective and it makes me be a better mom.

#2. Be consistent.
Jake and I have both said that this is the hardest aspect of being a parent.  I know there are times that you want to let things slide but there's just no other way to get around it.  If you want to be an effective parent you have to be consistent.

#3.  Be selective.
I've heard it said many times, you have to choose your battles.  Let me say it this way. Only say "No" to things that you are willing to follow through on.  Your toddler will pick up on your empty threats and it will undermine your authority.

#4. Say "No" in different ways.
Hearing "no" often elicits a knee jerk reaction from adults and the same is true of children.   When Zoe asks to go to the park I can say "no." Or, I can say, "We will go to the park tomorrow."  Another way we say "no" is simply restating rules that Zoe already knows.  For example, When Z asks for candy I remind her that we don't eat candy right before dinner.

#5 When you do say "No."
Get on their level. 
Make eye contact.
Be clear and authoritative.
Personalize it, "No, Zoe."
Use your body language as well as your words.

Saying "no" to those sweet little eyes looking up at you is really hard sometimes, especially when they say "please" in that precious little voice.   At the end of the day though you are the parent and it is your job. There are going to be days that I don't say no when I should and I am going to make mistakes.  The good news is the next day is a fresh start.  I love my daughter and for that reason alone I will tell her "No."